Whose Dreams Are They?

When to push & when to step back on our kids athletic dreams

We call this her Alex Morgan shot

My daughter is 10-years-old, and has started her journey into competitive soccer. To be honest, the journey started two years ago when she joined a developmental team that was supposed to help give girls a leg up as they moved into the competitive teams. The past few years have been a growing experience for me where I'm now experiencing the sport from the other sideline as a parent instead of an athletic trainer.

My daughter talks a good game. She has big dreams to be a professional soccer player, while also balancing a career working with animals and possibly opening a doggy day care. She was placed on a middle team this year, a decision that she was fine with but that we questioned when looking at where her other teammates were placed. But, we went with it - what else are you going to do - and our daughter excelled on the team to the point where she was recommended to move up a level at the end of the Fall season. We're now creeping up on the Spring season and no more has been said about this.

Throughout the Fall, our daughter has been asked to guest play with the higher team on a number of occasions, as well as travel with them to an out-of-state tournament. My husband and I were thrilled by the invitation. Our daughter was excited, but maybe not quite the same level as we were.

Last week we found out that another one of her teammates was invited to the same tournament, and while we are happy for that girl, my husband and I started to worry about what it meant for our daughter's chances of moving up. The other girl is also very good, and we're worried that she might be picked instead of our daughter to move teams. It’s a petty thing, I know, but my husband and I are just trying to support our daughter's goals - or are we?

As I worked myself up with worry, I realized that it might all be for naught. Sure I wanted to see my daughter progress through the team levels, but what did she want?

So, I asked her.

I have to remember that she is only 10, and so her perspective on soccer and her "career" is going to be a lot different than mine, and also that I may be brining in some old wounds of mine to her journey. I feel that I never fully completed my gymnastics journey due to being overlooked by coaches in favor of others, so this situation is a big trigger for me.

My daughter said that she does want to move up to the next level, and even has her eyes set on the level above that for next year. It's a big goal for sure. So far she has been able to advance on her natural talent and skills that she's learned from practices. She is not one of those girls who has a soccer ball with her at all times, or will even go out and do drills on her own. Soccer is for practices and games, and outside of that is for play. And really that's how it should be, but as a parent who's been there (and is just a little competitive) I want her to do more.

To press her to do more may also mean taking her love of the game away from her, and that's the last thing that I want. Instead, we talked about her goals and how she can make her own plan on how to achieve them.

I mentioned that her dad and I would be there to support her anytime that she asked. Then, I tried to disconnect my emotions around her placement and let her start leading the way. Sure, we're going to pop in opportunities for her as they come up, but I'm going to do my best to let her figure out what she needs to do in order to reach her soccer goals.

To help her plan, I printed out a copy of the "Assess & Align" goal setting worksheet that I give to many of my clients. The purpose of these worksheet is to dig into your goals, identify the blocks that are in your way, and to develop some steps to reaching that goal. It's a simple, et effective worksheet if you decide to use it.

Right now it’s lying on her desk waiting to be completed. But, she's 10 and so I'm not holding my breath that she'll fill it out. What I am holding is space for her to explore her path and to be there when she wants to talk or try a new habit the help her reach her soccer goals. It could be next week, but it might be years before she's ready to own it and set accountability for herself. Until that happens, it's up to me to model that accountability and keep her afloat.

When I was working as an athletic trainer, before having my own kids, I didn't understand the overemotional parents who get in my face about an injury, or go off on a ref or coach about a decision. And while I still don't condone a lot of that behavior, I get it. It's hard to be the parent of a kid who has talent and dreams, but is not doing everything in order to realize them. It’s hard to not force them into practicing more in order to rise up the ranks.

If you’re the parent of a child who has that inner motivation to go for it, I am jealous. I'm sure that scenario has it's own drawbacks, but I've yet to experience them as a parent. Either way, we are connected emotionally to our kids' dreams, but we have to decide how invested we need to be - when to push a bit and when to back off and let them forge their own path. That decision is going to vary by kid, by parental relationship, and even by where they are in their lives and sports journey.

Start to recognize when what you're pushing is your dream or your path towards that dream instead of theirs. It can be hard to step back, but it will be worth it in the end. Hang in there.

---

If you’d like a copy of my Assess & Align Goal-Setting Worksheet, click the button below: