Playing with Social Connection & Identity
Fostering confidence and individuality through school spirit days
The high school that my kids will attend someday had the Homecoming games this past week, and the hype trickled down to both my kids’ middle and elementary schools. For my 8th grade son, this included a variety of ‘Spriti Days’ throughout the week - PJ day, Twin Day, Crazy Hair Day, etc.
School spirit days are a form of play and overall I like them. They allow for community & self-expression. When I was teaching high school, it was fun to see students from different social groups connect over the silliness and creativity of these events. Spirit days give all students permission to be a little different and yet fit in.
On Thursday my son was so excited for Crazy Hair Day at school. We spent a good amount of time working on his hair, with me lending my special skills of teasing and hair spray molding that I perfected in the 80s and 90s. We added some pops of spray-in color and he was ready. My son is sometimes a little anti-social. He has a small group of friends, but isn’t one to really put himself out there, and so his enthusiasm to participate in this spirit day have me excited… until we pulled up for drop off. My heart sunk as we pull up in front of the school. No other kids had participated that we could see. I didn’t say anything and waited to see my son’s reaction. He slowly sunk down in the seat eyes his eyes glassed over. All of the excitement and anticipation that was radiating from him just 15 minutes before had vanished. I could see that he was hold back tears, and could almost feel the betrayal that must have been coursing through him. I asked if he wanted to go home and shower - he said yes. We turned around and headed home. I called the school to let them know that he’d be late, citing car trouble as the reason. My son quietly went upstairs to wash out all of the fun. He came back down in his usual camo clothes and hat, eyes still sad with tears, and we headed back to school. It was one of the saddest thing I’ve experienced as a parent.
Two of the Pillars of Play that are the foundations in my work are Social Connection and Creative Outlet. Both of these are necessary for healthy development and for setting a foundation of wellness for our kids to grow from as they age. Events like Homecoming and Spirit Weeks are key to providing experiences that add to these two pillars. Especially for our kids who maybe are a bit more introverted and anxious about putting themselves out there.
If we look at the community in Okinawa, Japan, a Blue Zone with a high population of adults over 100 years old, we see that social connection is built in through their formations of moais at an early age. Children are put into groups with other children who they grow with over their lifetime, and have a built in social support group to share their experience, gain advice, and sometimes even receive financial support. They meet regularly (often weekly, but sometime daily) and carry each other throughout the years. In the US, we often feel like friendships should form organically and often just sit back waiting for our kids to find their ‘group’. Some of our kids find a kind of moai through their participation in organized sports, activities, and religious groups. Others, like my son, don’t really extend their friendships outside of school. Still others never really find a group at all. Our kids need these social circles and connection to help them learn communication skills, conflict resolution, and to help develop empathy. Studies have found that adolescents who have established social circles have higher self esteem and less struggles with mental illness.
Another important Pillar of Play that these spirit days foster by providing a creative outlet for our kids. Spirit days allow a safe space for our teens to showcase their individuality in a safe space. Having a creative outlet is important to adolescent development as it helps to improve confidence, helps build identity, and can even improve school performance. As our kids move into middle and high school, they have less opportunity to showcase their creativity in their academic assignments, and so creating space to do so in the social environment is very important.
Not all tweens are going to want to participate in school spirit days, and that’s OK. I hope parents will encourage their kids to do so given the benefits, but we can also seek out similar opportunities for our kids that are a better fit to their interests and personalities. It might be an opportunity in a sport, activity, or other group that seems like a safer setting for these experimentation. The main point is to help your kid find opportunities to connect socially, both within their friend group and also in the larger community, and also to help them find ways to express their creativity and individuality. Just these two pillars alone will help to reduce the struggles with mental wellness that we are seeing so much of lately, and increase the confidence our kids feel about themselves in different situations. We don’t need to force these opportunities on them, but instead help them explore and support them as they venture out to try new things.