Helping Teens to Push Boundaries
Today is the first day of the new trimester for my son, an 8th grader. We've been pushing him a bit this year to get more focused on his schoolwork and accountable for his grades. School doesn't really come easy for him, but he doesn't often have a lot of homework either. I feel like he approaches school a bit like I did - do the minimum amount of effort possible to keep mom and dad happy and allow for plenty of free time. While this worked a bit for me through school, I graduated high school with a 3.5, it proved to be a huge obstacle when I went to college. I never actually learned how to study and or really paid attention to my grades. I guess I had it fairly easy, given that I graduated high school in the early 90s when grade updates were given a mid- and end of term, unlike the 24/7 access to Google Classroom and the Parent app that I have now for my kids.
I asked my son this morning if he wanted to set any goals around grades for the upcoming term. He said, "I want to get As and Bs". This has been the standard for the year. We don't really punish Cs, but rather use them as a gauge for things like screen time and other activities. When I pushed a bit asking if maybe he could try for mostly As and a few Bs, he replied, "No. I'll keep it as it is. I know my boundaries." You got to give it to the kid - he knows the words that make he mom proud.
When he mentioned boundaries, this reminded me of the Learning Zone Model, where we can encourage kids to push boundaries, step outside of their current comfort zone, but not get too overwhelmed with trying some new things or setting big goals. My son tends to live in his comfort zone and rarely pushed his boundaries. This is true for his academic pursuits as well as other activities and even his social group. He likes to live safe, and I don't blame him. Middle school is a time where we are actively exploring our identities and trying new things, but unfortunately we are also often met with ridicule in our attempts (specifically from peers) than with support. I know that middle school was when I started to pull inward with some of my quirks and fall in line with what was accepted. Only my closest friends were privy to seeing my full, authentic self.
While I'm not going to push my son too much, as a teacher I know the importance of testing boundaries when it comes to learning. The Learning Model divides the learning experience into three main zones. Think of it as a bullseye, but we are aiming to have some of our arrows in the middle ring instead of everything in the center.
Bullseye Circle- Comfort Zone: this is our happy place where the activities we engage in are routine and familiar
Middle Ring - Learning Zone: this is slightly new territory where we can experiment, stretch our abilities, and gain new skills. We might experience some good anxiety here which leads to growth.
Outer Ring - Panic Zone: this is the danger area. We are outside of our knowledge and understanding, which causes panic and overwhelm. We may experience the bad anxiety here that leads to shutting down and fear.
Ideally we want to encourage our kids to play in the Learning Zone often. It starts with dipping our feet in those waters by connecting a new challenge with a current skill that resides in our comfort zone. An example of this would be helping your kid with a more challenging math problem by connecting parts of the problem to skills that he's familiar with. For my son, our goal developed into resolving missing assignments within two days, which is something that he's been struggling with this year. Reducing the missing assignments will directly improve his grades without requiring much extra study time of his part.
Another way to support growth in the Learning Zone is to incorporate social learning opportunities. This is one of the reasons that bringing play into both our kids school and social environments is so essential - regardless of their age. Collective learning opportunities at school allow struggling students to observe those who are more confident in the content, and to also explore different approaches and ideas around the subject. Students can stay anchored in their Comfort Zones while also dipping a foot in the Learning Zone. When I was teaching, I not only offered plenty of time for collective learning, but often asked my students for alternative explanations of a challenging topic. Often the students could explain it in a way that those struggling could grasp, which was a win-win for all of us.
We see this effect in extracurricular activities as well. When students see that their teammates are focused on academics as well as performance in their activity, they are more likely to jump on that train with them. Some activities have grade requirements associated with them, and when students feel the pressure from peers to "make the grade" to participate, they are more likely to push academic boundaries to make it happen then when parents and coaches are harping on them to do so.
Of course, the best thing that we can do as parents is to foster boundary pushing at home. Start having the conversations with your kids on how they can push into the Learning Zone in different areas of their lives, and then supporting them on their journeys. Recognize when their efforts are moving into the Panic Zone, and help them to scale back without escaping to the Comfort Zone for good.
I've created a worksheet to help you and your kids set goals using the boundary guidelines. Download your copy and get started working on these new goals tonight. Be sure to let me know what questions come up, as well as the successes that happen. I can't wait to hear about them.